Many years ago, my brother, Brion, and I were on the phone when, out of nowhere, he decided my new name was PAM! (always said with great emphasis!), which he referred to as my "non-birth name."
There was no great reasoning behind it, no backstory or logic. That's always been Brion — playful, unexpected, and forever keen to keep people on their toes. He thrived on randomness and on making people laugh, while confusing them all at once. And since I idolized him, I never questioned it.
Shortly after, I decided he needed one too, and thus, the Billy and PAM! duo was born.
Billy and I would often dream up business ideas together. He'd always encourage me to take risks and be fearless in all aspects of my life, but most especially in my career and creativity. He lived and breathed this philosophy.
I wish I could say I embraced this as easily as I did his given name for me, but it wasn't until in recent years that I found the courage.
In August of 2022, my brother was diagnosed with glioblastoma (brain cancer). This battle would prove to be his greatest achievement in embracing fear.
Over the course of sixteen months, he underwent 2 brain surgeries, chemotherapy and radiation. And not once, throughout the entire time did he ever complain, show fear or speak negatively about the diagnosis. Even after suffering a stroke that left him wheelchair-bound, he only ever spoke words of positivity and humor.
On December 3, 2023, my beautiful, big brother lost his battle with cancer.
There are so many significant moments in those months prior to his passing that I carry with me today, but one in particular was our conversation after his first surgery. I asked him what he was thinking and if he was scared going into surgery.
He responded, "I wasn't scared, I felt at peace with my life and had no regrets. But then I thought of you, and how you might feel if you were in the same position. And the regret you might feel for not living your life more fearlessly, for not following your dreams…"
This moment, our relationship, his endless bravery and encouragement have all led me to where I am today and what has inspired the creation of People!Art!Music! (PAM!).
We shared a love for music, for creativity, and for making new friends.
Whether it's making art that celebrates my community and love of San Francisco, collaborating with artists to design limited edition, locally made merch, or curating experiences that bring neighborhoods together, PAM! is a culmination of all the things I love to do. And it embodies my vision to honor Brion and the life we shared by lifting people, art and music in local communities.
PAM! the non-birth name came first, its meaning, purpose and significance came later. But I like to think that all along, Billy was setting me on my path to living my life, more fully and fearlessly.
Thank you to my community and to everyone reading this, for supporting my dreams. I dedicate PAM! to my brother, Billy. My first best friend, my forever muse and the originator of my childhood nickname, PAM!
He would have absolutely loved this!
-PAM! (aka Courtney)